Aren’t self-help books going to tell me the same things?

Self-help books can be life changers! I’ve used them countless times throughout my life to learn to deal with some of my issues and circumstances. Some of them landed well, they resonated with me, and some of them did not.

These types of books often come from the authors’ perspective and always from a place of “Expert”. Meaning, the writer is telling YOU, based on their experience and knowledge, the best way to correct your problem. The expert is telling you “the right way” to do things, to look at things, and to handle things. But, what if their way isn’t the best way for you? If you can’t make the self help advice from the book work for you, what’s next?

Is it your fault? You read the book and tried to do what it told you to. So why didn’t it help? Maybe that particular self help perspective simply didn’t resonate with you. It didn’t land.

Is it the authors fault? How could it be? After all, the author is an experienced, educated leader in their field; psychiatry, health, organizing, etc.

With Coaching you’re the experienced, educated leader in your field; YOU! You know what feels right, looks right, and lands with you … for A Life That Fits! You could use some help finding it, unwrapping it and learning how to use it, but that’s okay.

Remember, coaching is not from a place of “expert”! We shouldn’t tell you anything. A good Life Coach is trained to ask powerful questions in a particular way. Allowing you to explore yourself and find solutions that are right for you. A Life Coach can also help you explore many different perspectives and outcomes through insight and reflection.

·         What about self knowledge and self care? Not just knowing you in general, but digging deep to create a solid foundation of self knowledge and awareness around wants, needs, priorities and goals.

·         What strengths and challenges come into play when considering actions and accountabilities around achieving goals?

·         What support systems and supportive people do you have? Need? Want?

These are all things that need to be considered for each individual uniquely. That is why a self help book is not the same. Coaching isn’t one size fits all as most self help books are.

I’ve always told my kids that if you don’t know where you are, then you won’t know where you want to go and if you don’t know where you want to go, then you’re lost. Until I trained in Life Coaching, I had no idea how right I was!

What About Coaching for Smokers?

The timing of this question is ironic. I’m a smoker. That’s right! Tricia, the Life Coach, smokes cigarettes!   

Yuck, gross, disgusting!

Okay, Okay, I know…. Now that that’s out of the way, let’s talk about it.

I grew up in a time when you could still smoke in grocery stores, the library and even hospitals! It was everywhere and it was the norm. As a child, I can remember family members and parents of friends standing at the stove cooking dinner with a cigarette hanging out of their mouth.

I was 13 years old when I started smoking. I thought it made me look cool and tough, standing in the alley next to the school with all my friends, holding a cigarette and chatting up a storm. I was young, immortal, and couldn’t care less about the health risks of smoking. I’m a courteous smoker, if there is such a thing. I do not smoke indoors, walk away from non smokers and can even go hours and hours without a cigarette if the situation isn’t conducive to it.

After 27 years, I’m tired of it. It’s a burden, it’s expensive, it stinks and it’s unhealthy! I’ve tried many times in the past to quit. I’ve tried cold turkey, patches, lozenges and gums, even prescriptions. None of it has worked for me. I’ve also tried to quit for many reasons; the kids, to save money and even so my hair wouldn’t smell anymore.

After I began my coaching training, I realized that I needed a different approach to quitting. I decided that I was going to have a fellow coach help me figure out the right approach for me. It took me several months to decide that I was strong enough to even say it out loud. “I’m going to quit smoking! Can you coach me around that?” I know once I say it, I have to do it. I’m that kind of person. My palms were sweating as I identified to her that smoking as my topic.

My coach is a reformed smoker, which I didn’t know at the time I asked her for help. I’ve always felt that reformed smokers are like born-again Christians. Over the top, judgmental and annoying know-it-alls (most… maybe not all of them! Oops, The Opinion snuck in there) But, there is no judgment in coaching and I was quite comfortable with her coaching questions and the space she held for me to articulate this topic.  

We focused on what I felt it would take for me to quit and what actions I felt would be helpful. I discovered that the physical addiction is easy for me but I have a very emotional connection to smoking. Every time I try to quit, I mourn terribly. It feels to me as if I’ve lost my best friend!

It took me another 3 weeks to be able to tell my friends and family. Most of them are smokers too and I’m afraid I will feel jealous when they light up after I quit. I’m preparing myself to stay strong and make the changes for ME this time! No more self-induced peer pressure….

I realized that I needed to tackle my emotional addiction, and change my routines and habits before I can actually put the cigarettes down for good. This is what I have identified as my accountabilities for now:

1.       My quit date is October 2011.

2.       I am saying it out loud to friends and family members so they are aware of my plan.

3.       I have already stopped taking my cigarettes in the car with me. I leave them at home.

4.       I have already stopped getting out of bed at night to smoke before I fall asleep.

5.       After I drop my son at school, beginning in May, I am watching the news in my office, instead of the garage. I haven’t smoked in the house since 1997.

6.       I will start, beginning in May, to cut out my after dinner cigarette and walk the dog instead.

7.       I will explore emotions as they come up, learn from my wins and losses, and I will not quit quitting.

Emotional crutch…. Here I come!!!!

Coaching can help with many similar situations, not just smoking, but also dieting and nutrition, health, organizing and even shopping; see my post on habit forming. Visit my coachability self test on my website at triciaperna.com to find out if you’re ready for coaching.

Think Before You Slap!

Last night I dreamed that my husband and I went camping with a few friends. There were only 4 of us, me being the only woman.

We arranged our campsite with our folding chairs around the fire pit. There was a very nice small fire. The weather was warm and very nice. The sun was just going down, but there was enough natural light left to see that in front of us was a massive and gorgeous lake beyond a sparsely dense wooded area. There were very tall, mature trees that had long trunks with smooth bark between us and the water. The branches and leaves were plenty high enough that it allowed for a virtually unobstructed view of the waves.

The children of other campers were running through the woods, playing chase and looking for bugs. A few were swimming and splashing in the water.

Behind us were very densely wooded hills, almost mountains. The kind that you could get lost in even if you were only off the roadway by a few feet.

As we sat around the fire, we were chatting and laughing, what a great time we were having.

Next thing I know, my husband announces the 3 of them are going on a three day hiking trip into the mountains and they’ll be back! I was floored. He’s leaving me here all by myself? That Bastard!

After I woke up, I was furious. It was 3:55am and I wanted to slap my husband in the head….  I thought why would they, especially my husband, just abandon me when we were on a fun trip together?

They probably wanted to go skinny dipping with 20-somethings further down the lakeshore! Damn asses!

I decided that instead of physically assaulting my husband, I would analyze my dream. After all, dreams are about the dreamer like, what, 99% of the time. Supposedly!

OK…. So the 3 of them are going on a man hike for THREE days. Fine! I started trying to remember everything that happened in my dream and what each thing meant after he told me they were going.

#1 I was shopping for supplies and needed fingernail polish remover. There was only one bottle in the store and it was knocked over and leaking. Only half of the remover was left in the bottle but I HAD to buy it. I NEEDED it.

Should I consider my bottle half empty or half full?

#2 I was standing at the campsite, I looked around as if to say, what am I supposed to do? On the ground of our site, were just piles of old blankets. Ripped and dirty rags, really.

Am I tired of my wardrobe?

#3 I looked up from the blankets into our SUV, where my husband had all of our very nice camping supplies. He was taking them with him?!

Did he think I was Rambo-ette or something? Livin’ off the land is my forte’? What a jerk!

#4 He was frying bacon inside the truck and wouldn’t give me any because he needed all of it while he was hiking.

I should have eaten dinner last night instead of just having popcorn.

It could mean all of the things above that I said. Personally, I think it means that I need to get down to business and finish what I started or I’m going to be left behind!

What I do know is that if my husband EVER didn’t share bacon with me, I’d quit buying it!

Are You Taking Care of You?

Everyone has probably heard that if you don’t take care of yourself first, you can’t take care of anyone else. It’s very true. What most people might not know is that many different things go into taking care of you.

A friend of mine, mother of 3, was a medical assistant in a private surgeon’s practice. She had always said that her work performance was “best” when she worked under pressure. One of her responsibilities was creating a new OSHA safety program. There was also a private surgical suite in the office and a credentialing plan needed created for state certification.

There was a lot of deciphering of state and federal safety code and paperwork that went with getting the programs written and implemented. She worked 12 and 14 hour days, including weekends, to get it done under the inspection deadline (she’d been given 3 weeks). She was very proud of her work at the end of every day, although she was so exhausted. At night, she would lay in bed and couldn’t sleep because she was mentally reviewing the safety plans she’d done that day and planning her next day’s work. Finally, 2 ½ weeks into it, on a Thursday afternoon, she stood up from her desk, got dizzy, and collapsed on the floor.  Stress-induced high pressure they concluded and she was on medication for 3 months.

Afterwards, she told me that “mentally, I thought I was fine with the pressure to perform and meet the deadline. I guess my body thought differently.”

Always have a game plan to take care of yourself and make sure you do it. Things to keep in mind:

·         Sleep- have a routine and make sure it’s quality rest.

·         Nutrition- make sure you eat not just healthy foods but also on a regular basis.

·         Fitness- find out what exercises/activities you enjoy and schedule time for them.

·         Physical health and hygiene- get regular check-ups, and also keep clean and be presentable, even if only to yourself.

·         Downtime- make sure you spend quality time doing the things that de-stress you. Reading, meditating, laughing with friends…. Whatever it is, you need it.

Bottom line? If you’re not taking care of you, who will?

Teens and Coaching

Is a coach a good idea for teens considering plans after graduation?

For the mature teen, absolutely! Coaching can help teens plan their life and explore their options for schooling, career plans, family planning, health and more!

The benefits of coaching for a teenage are no different than the benefits for adults.  Here are a few:

·         Promotes high self esteem by identifying and clarifying their strengths.

·         Encourages them to handle situations and life experiences responsibly.

·         Identify their role in school, at home and with their community.

·         Establish their wants, needs and values.

·         Help them clarify their goals and create a clear plan of action for reaching those goals.

Follower Questions

Does Life Coaching work for everybody? 

Anyone can benefit from coaching, which helps you stay focused and accountable for your goals. The biggest benefit is having someone else to learn with and to be accountable to. If you are the type of person that can be accountable to yourself, congratulations! However, more times than not, goals that people set for themselves are not reached because they don’t feel that they need to answer to themselves.

A good coach will co-create a relationship with their clients that allow for trust, exploration, learning and accountability. This creates a great forum for success that benefits the masses.

 What might cause it to fail?

I had an experience with a life coach, several years ago…. And it failed! As a professional organizer, I networked a lot. During one of the events, I met a life coach that was also networking. He gave me a brief explanation of life coaching and how it may be able to help my clients, however, the total concept was alluding me. I figured that the best way to understand it and to make a decision about whether it would help my clients was to hire him as my life coach. I’m not perfect. I could use some encouragement and accountability!

As a linear thinker, one of my favorite jokes is “Just the facts, Ma’am”. I did an intake questionnaire for him and gave a lot of detail about myself and my beliefs. I thought we were on the same page about how I think and what I wanted from his coaching. Then, during our first session, he was talking about things that I could not get my head around. The universe, the force and influence it has on me. Aligning my stars!  What!? My Stars?

 I wanted accountability around writing the content for my website, not his personal perspective of what he believes was my spiritually. I have very little to be honest with you.

During a later session, we were discussing the fact that my time was limited. I not only had my business, but my husband and I also designed websites for small businesses as well. I was having trouble managing my time and prioritizing. To that, he asked if my husband makes me do things I don’t want to do. There was disgust in his voice as he asked me that question. I was shocked and then appalled! I told him that it wasn’t meant like that. But instead of apologizing for his assumption, he began telling me about his terrible divorce that he was in the middle of and what a hard time he’s going through….. Yuck! I just thought, “Hey “coach”, I’m the client! Get your own coach!” (Actually, a therapist maybe) I never had another session with him.

This is obviously an extreme example of what might cause coaching to fail, but the life coach you pick needs to be a good fit for YOU, the client. My so called coach was obviously not just judgmental, but he was also very unprofessional. He was also trying to be the “expert” of ME. A definite no-no for a life coach. A good personal coach is curious, neutral and supportive!

Sometimes, other issues can cause coaching to be ineffective. Clients may not be as ready for coaching as they think. Have a conversation with yourself before making the decision to pursue coaching.

Some things to ponder:

·         You must be committed to achieving your goals,

·          Be willing to try on new perspectives,

·         Be honest with not just your coach, but yourself;

·         Be willing to realize you’re worth the investment, both the time and money, and

·         You must have a commitment of action.

Only Buy Toilet Paper? Are You Crazy

I know, I know. People need more than just toilet paper. But, if you keep reading, you’ll see what I’m talking about!

During my time as an onsite organizer I had come across a lot of unnecessary items in my client’s homes. Many people, it seemed to me, were wasting their resources on what I call 'feel good' shopping. As a professional organizer, I heard a lot of excuses for why people shop.    -"I got a great deal!"   -"I didn't like the one I already had."    -"I couldn't find the one I already have."    -"I felt like I deserved it."  By the time clients called me for help, they had dozens of items they bought, often times months earlier, still unopened. Complete with original bag and receipt!

“Feel good” shopping is done based on emotions. The stuff you end up with is like a roommate that sleeps on your couch, eats your food and drops the towel on the bathroom floor but doesn't pay rent! It sucks up your energy, your hard earned money and your square footage. Life is stressful enough. Your home should be your sanctuary where you can recharge and relax, not another trigger for concern.

How do you know if you 'feel good' shop? Do you buy things that sit unused or only get used once? Do you tell everyone about your purchase until the newness wears off, then it's out of sight out of mind? Do you regret your purchase because you realize you didn’t have the money; you won't use it or didn't need it? That's what I, as an organizer, called a 'feel good' purchase.  I used to have my clients try the following exercise:

Think about something you have purchased in the past that you wish you hadn't. A purchase that makes you think “I wish I had that money back”. Be especially conscious of the emotions you're experiencing while doing this exercise. Remember those feelings! Next time you want to make an impulse purchase pull those feelings out and pause. Do you want to feel that way again? Be absolutely positive about whether you should walk it to the register. If you're not, then you're only cheating yourself.

Some other things my clients practiced:

* They asked themselves, 'Is this an emotional purchase or is it a necessity?' 'Do I need it or do I just want it?"

* Don't buy it right away. Wait a day or two; if it's still just as important to you after a few days, maybe it is a good purchase.

* I say…. Unless it's toilet paper, DON'T buy it just because it's on sale!

First, figure out your personal reasons for 'feel good' shopping. Sit down and really tear it apart. You know I’m here to help if you need me. You deserve a less stressful, enjoyable life, right? If you have the time to do the shopping, you have the time to diagnose the behavior behind the shopping.

A few reasons my clients have told me that they shop is depression, a sense of entitlement, empowerment, loneliness and stress relief although it only relieves the stress until they get home. Then once again, they were reminded how much of a stressor shopping actually is for them. They were even worse when they saw their end of the month credit card statements.

Once you figure out your triggers, you’ll be better equipped to change the behavior. Retraining your brain to new habits is a process that isn’t accomplished overnight, but it can be done. Tell me in the comments what habits you have changed and what strategies did you use?